Remembering the Muumuu

I’m feeling nostalgic, so I am going to remember last year…

Whoa, what's with the get up? My knees are so swollen that my pants won't fit.

Plus i am so slow getting to the bathrom that I don't have time to unfasted my pants. And somewhere the Kanaka Maoli are missing a princess...

Photo of swollen and bruised legs.

There was surprisingly little discoloration

for the  amount of swelling.

Pair of boots sitting on grass.

And yellow is the reason why.

I mean, these are the culprit homicidal boots.

(They look so innocent, don’t they?)

As an act of kindness and self-sacrifice – because you know that’s how my boy is – Toby decided to help me with tilling this year.  He says he wants to save me wear and tear on my boots.  (You can’t tell from the photos, but some of those holes are big enough to hide a 20+ pound terrier.)

Pea plant sprouting

Toby was disappointed when he found out we are growing “peas”.

Cairn terrier peeing.

That’s not the “P” word I was hoping for.

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Cover of the book Dream Our World

If you know a bookstore or shop where Dream Our World might fit, please let me know!  I would love to introduce Bitey and The Usurper to even more humans.

In Dream Our World, Bitey and Toby visit the Museum of the Imagination and view the world of art from a canine perspective.  And how is that?  – With themselves front and center, of course!

Dream Our World is available from Amazon.

 

Last Spring – The Fall

Little oak tree, you can't live here. Let me take you to the woods and transplant you,

Holy crap! My right boot lace got caught on my left boot hook. My feet are tied together!

The Fall 3

Splat!

I didn't know humans could fly. Is it legal to say those words in this state?

Ew, this is so disgusting! I am soaked clear through to my underwear.

Ow! I''m not going to be able to walk for weeks! You know what this means, don't you? No supervision!

I'll go get us something from the fridge. I'll go get the toilet brush!

It has been a year now since The Fall.  At the time I expected to be better in a few weeks, but it was months before I could even take the dogs for a hobble.  My left knee never did recover, and still can’t fully bend it.

Toby takes advantage of my not being able to properly kick his butt.  This morning – at that magical Dogging Hour of 3:00 a.m. – he decided to destroy a few things around the house.

Toby grabs and chews a package

Heh, Mom’s not looking.  I’m going to steal her package.

Nah, I'm not interested

Oops.  Caught.  I’ll pretend that I am not interested.

Toby glances up at the package he was chewing

I just can’t help myself…

Ooh, I can't help myself. I really want it!

I really AM interested!

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Would you like even more adventures with my terrible twosome?  Then order a copy of Dream Our World!

Cover of the book Dream Our World

Inside, my boys visit the Museum of the Imagination and view the world of art  from a canine perspective.

Dream Our World is available from Amazon.

The Temporarily Official Toby Portrait

 

Pen and ink sketch of a Cairn terrier puppy

Toby calls this one, “Aren’t I Cute?” 

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If you have a furry (or feathered) family member in need of a portrait, come visit my website L Bowman Studios .  There I have some examples of different pieces I have done and information about pricing.

This could be considered one of your good deeds during our confinement like ordering takeout from local restaurants to help keep them afloat.  A pet portrait can keep small business alive while providing you with gifts for loved ones who are feeling isolated.

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Need a touch of the absurd in your day?  Then order a copy of PoopiterPoopiter follows the illustrated, day-to-day activities of my Cairn terrier boys.

Cover of the book Poopiter

Poopiter is available at Amazon.

Escaping the Puppy Traffickers

Sketch of puppy writing about his traumatic ordeal.

My name is Toby.  I am a Cairn terrier.  This is a true story of what happened to me in my own words.

Drawing of puppy sleeping near a window with cloudy skies outside. Inside, his bowl is empty.

Today started out like so many others – with cloudy skies and not enough grub.  But wait, today isn’t the same.  Mom’s purse and keys are out.   Maybe today won’t suck after all.

Drawing of a purse and keys

I had to wait interminable months for afternoon to roll around before we began our trip.   I bounced around on the passenger seat looking out the windows for familiar landmarks.  “Where are we going?” I kept asking.  I should have known something was wrong when she would not answer.  She avoided looking at me and stared straight ahead.

Frightened puppy is pulled from his mother by a masked and gloved figiure. Mom turns her head away.

Finally we pulled into an empty lot.  A shadowy figure in a Hazmat suit glided over.  Mom rolled down the window and shoved me toward this earthbound alien.  “Mommy!  Mommy!”  I cried as I reached for her, but she refused to make eye contact and turned her head away.

Little puppy being stripped of his sweater by a vet tech.

After taking me inside of their disinfectant-scented lair, the latex-clad demons rubbed my fur between their fingers and declared me to be “blown”.  (Not in a long time, sister!)   They said I needed to be “stripped”.  Of what?  My dignity? Let me tell you, it’s already gone.

a naked Toby stands self-consciously.

Naked and afraid, I was carried into a laboratory and plopped onto a cold, steel table.  There they poked  and prodded and squeezed me where nothing but my girlfriend’s nose should ever go.  To distract myself I stared at the wall in front of me.

No, not that one. Get one from the freezer.

Hey, I thought they were supposed to use the ear kind!

A sign hung there declared this person to be a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine.   Under whom did she study?  Dr. Mengele?!  I was poised to snap when someone grabbed my jaws and pried them apart.  Gloved hands were rudely shoved into my mouth.  I spit and snorted, but the violation of my self continued.

Puppies in stacked kennels cry

As the masked figures stepped back to gather more torture instruments, I had a brief glimpse through the open door.  There was a wall of cages filled with frightened pups cowering against thin blankets tossed carelessly at the bottom of their wire prisons.  I realized that I was headed there too.  Abandoned by our families, we were now victims of puppy traffickers.

I have heard of such things with humans.  Unscrupulous traffickers will give their victims drugs to get them hooked so they will compliantly do what they are told.  The shadowy “doctors” came at me from both sides, each carrying a syringe big enough for a horse.  They jab me cruelly in my legs.  Quickly their toxins began to work on me.  I started to feel woozy and disoriented.

Toby after having his nails trimmed

Before I could get my bearings, they came at me with tree loppers and – aaagh!! – they cut off my legs!  Oh the pain!  The pain!  I wanted to run, but with no legs I couldn’t move.*

Sketch of little dog being picked up by his collar

The lights swirled around me.  Voices grew near than faded.  I heard a piece of paper being torn and felt a sharp pain in my hind end.  Unceremoniously I was shoved through the front door.  Alone on the cold concrete, I turned and found a yellow note with the word “FAT” scribbled on it stapled to my butt.  Toby with a "Fat" sign stapled t ohis butt.

 

I can only conclude that the extra biscuits I purloined are what saved me from being yet another dog on that wall of cages, waiting to be handed off to some pervert to sit in his stinking, crumb-filled lap.  Puppies, eat everything you can.  The few extra pounds you put on may render you too large for those overly fussy pupophiles and save your life.

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* They trimmed Toby’s nails.

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I don’t know what happened inside the vet’s office, but when the tech came outside and handed me Toby’s leash, she laughed and said, “Your dog is so funny!”. Uh oh.  I hope he hasn’t been telling stories…

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In case you do like puppy stories, consider picking up a copy of Dream Our World.  Not only will your purchase help small business, it would make  perfect gift for someone stuck inside during the quarantine!

Cover of the book Dream Our WorldFamily members are still going to need birthday presents, and right now no one can get to the store.  I can conveniently deliver this book to you or your loved ones so they do not feel deprived while isolated.

Inside, Bitey and Toby visit the Museum of the Imagination and view the world of art from a canine perspective.  Since real museums are closed, this is one of the few ways to experience some culture.  (Ha ha.)

 

 

Fever Dreams

I come upon a river of sandpaper and razor blades.

This water is no fun to drink.

Maybe if I lie on my other side, it will get better.

Hayricks with yellow circles.

(Not my picture.)

Take note of the hayricks!

The what?  Haystacks?

Hayricks!  Remember the Hayrick Protocol!

Gather the yellow circles.  See how they give you strength?   Grab them.  Stab them with the fork.

Yes, I guess I do feel better.

Green and red sneeze

Splat! Morning arrives with red and green, but no Christmas.  Soon, an entire laundry load of handkerchiefs.   This shouldn’t happen to a woman.  It is something teenage boys would enjoy – waving their gelatinous banners in arms held high while chasing little sisters around the house to hear them scream.

I raise my arm and stare at it.  Crepey,..crepey…  When did this happen?  I can’t remember, but I keep staring.

Relax.  You don’t have to worry.  The cigarettes are legal now.

But cigarettes already were legal.

Relax!  Don’t you feel better now that they are legal?  The trunk of your car is filled with them.   You can rest.

Two nights slip by so softly and silently I am not aware of their coming or going.  It is bliss.

Cairn terrier sleeping in laundry

(Why does she get to cough, but I get yelled at for barking?)

Toby has stopped hiding my slippers and stealing my sandwiches.  Now he keeps vigil at the door, waiting to save me from the fever.

I didn’t get the present I wanted.  For my birthday,  I wanted a masseur to travel in time to this moment to fix my leg cramps.  I still hurt; I must not have gotten my wish.

Oh, and don’t forget the local dentist who spent $82,000 on two commercials only to generate a mere $2,400 in business.

Is that true?

Is any of this?

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Once again, this post is based on actual events.

I’ve been ill for nearly three weeks, and I am sick and tired (ha ha)  of this stupid virus.  For the first two weeks, Toby was an ornery little devil who caused a lot of mischief because it was fun.  By week three when the fevers started, he sensed something was different.  Now he sticks close to me and gets concerned if a coughing fit is too strong.  It is really nice to have someone who cares.  Geordie just used to yell at me when I got sick.  Ha!  Such a different fellow!

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To visit a dream world that is a lot more fun than the ones where I have been recently, pick up a copy of Dream Our World.  Inside, Bitey and Toby visit the Museum of the Imagination.  There they envision themselves into the famous works of art and make commentary on each piece without saying a word.

Cover of the book Dream Our World

This book is difficult to do justice in its description  It really is a sweet and charming book with plenty of humor.  Readers from grade school age through folks in their 90s have all enjoyed visiting with the boys.

Dream Our World is available from Amazon.

 

 

 

Toby’s Gotcha Day

Happy Gotcha Day, Toby!

Toby: Gotcha Day? Geordie" Yes, the day you were adopted. Toby: I'm adopted? But I always thought i looked like Mom!

Poor Toby got cheated in the special day department.  His birthday falls near Christmas, and his Gotcha Day is on Valentine’s Day.   He ends up sharing his celebrations with other events instead of having a time all to himself.

Bored terrier lies next to his tennis ball.

  Sympathy gifts might help me feel better.  I like tennis balls, stuffies and treats. (I wouldn’t say no to a pot roast, either.)

Two Cairn terriers on a cold day

This is a picture of Toby arriving home for the first time.  You can see in Geordie’s body language, he is saying, “Please, Grandma, get me out of this!”

Cairn terrier adult and Cairn terrier puppy meeting on the first day.

Seriously.  What is that thing?  A hamster?!?

Cairn terrier puppy sleeping in kennel.

Can you find the teeny tiny puppy hidden in this picture?

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To learn more about Toby arrival on the scene plus their first year’s-worth of mischief, pick up a copy of Poopiter.

Cover of the book Poopiter

Poopiter is available from Amazon.

 

 

That Time of Year

Woman cleans while her pups look on.

Mommy’s on a cleaning binge

It’s quite a sight to see.

I fear that with those other things

She’ll also throw out me!

Mommy's on a cleaning binge. It's quite a sight to see. I fear that with those other things she'll also throw out me!

Every year I tell  myself that I am going to do a good job of keeping up with paperwork and putting things away.  I vow that I will not hoard useless knickknacks or keep every book I meet.  January after January somehow finds me buried in paperwork –  downing in sentiment.

Toby hates when I get into these cleaning moods because it means less time playing with him.  Today he would much rather me be kicking snow for him to catch than doing boring filing and running the dreaded vacuum.  I tell him that he should be happy that there will be more room for us to chase tennis balls if he lets me finish my clean up, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

Bored terrier lies next to his tennis ball.

I guess I should just be happy that we’re less likely to be

featured on an episode of Hoarders.

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Cover of the book Dream Our World

Come with the boys to a place where there are no nasty vacuums – to The Museum of the Imagination!  In Dream Our World Bitey and Toby visit the museum of their dreams and look at artwork from a canine perspective.

Dream Our World is available from Amazon.

(Tomorrow we contact another museum.  Wish us luck!)

 

Happy Anniversary!

Today is Bitey Dog’s 6th year anniversary at Word Press.  I am sure that somewhere Geordie is very proud of what he started.

Happy Cairn terrier pup

Yup.  I’m happy!

Go away. I'm sleeping.

Go away.  I’m sleeping.

Toby, on the other paw, has a more casual attitude.

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If you would like to donate a copy of Dream Our World to your local library, please feel free to do so.  I have heard nothing from my local library despite repeated attempts to contact them about the catalog number.  If you do donate, the WorldCat number will still need to be assigned.

Cover of the book Dream Our World

Don’t forget to pick up a copy of Dream Our World.  Inside, Bitey and Toby visit the museum of their dreams and view the world of art from a canine perspective all while enjoying a day of unsupervised fun.

Dream Our World is available from Amazon and from at least one museum!